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An Open Letter to Shoes, The Girl Who Lives Above Me.

Dear Shoes,Shoes.

I'll come right out and say it:   I'm concerned.  I'm not sure if you have incredibly swollen feet trapped in shoes made of lead, or if perhaps you are stricken with a disease that leaves you clomping around like a yeti, but either way I want to reach through the ceiling and punch you in the face.

I've lived below you for almost a year now, and at first I didn't know of you at all.  You were just another tenant in this condo building with an assigned parking spot and a cute table and chair set out on the deck. 

Oh Shoes, at first I thought it was a thunder storm, rolling and swirling in a spot strategically located above my kitchen counter.  Then I realized it was you and your fleet of horses (maybe it's just one black lab) running back and forth across the length of your apartment floor (read:  my ceiling) at midnight. 

I'm not the old lady who goes to bed at 9 o'clock at night, but I don't regularly stay up until 3 o'clock in the morning, that is unless I'm lying in bed and listening to you go out on your deck and yell things to your boyfriend in the yard.  I hope he eventually admitted that he was "an asshole, do you know that?!" and that you let him come inside instead of making him "sleep underneath the mailbox" where he was welcomed to "die a lonely death." 

Oh my friend Shoes, I am a night owl.  I'll admit to being up and writing until the late hours of the night, lit by the light of my laptop and brimming with ideas.  I'll also admit that it's tough to write when you're clomping around like Sloth

Occasionally, you bring me a small moment of comfort, like last night when I woke up at 4 am with a blood sugar of 52 mg/dl.  As I slid the straw into the juicebox I kept on the bedside table, I knew I wasn't alone because I could hear you fighting with your boyfriend (who apparently wasn't sleeping underneath the mailboxes).  Thanks for being there for me, Shoes.

For the most part, my neighbor friend, you do not cause me much grief.  Oh, I've seen your weird Gwen Stefani styled pony tail, where it looks all-too-similar to a mohawk, but I have faith that you'll outgrow your style stumblings.  But there are occasions where I can't help but wish you did not exist.

I have sincere hopes that a cure will be found for your heavy-footed affliction, which causes you to stomp around All.  Night.  Long.  If there is a walk I can contribute to or a pasta-and-meatball dinner I can attend to raise awareness for your condition, please don't hesitate to ask me. 

Otherwise, I'll wait patiently for your lease to run up. 

Sincerely,

Kerri.

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Comments

Too. funny.

Great start to my Monday to read that.

Too bad she lives above you.

Otherwise you can do it like my dad did when I was a kid when we lived in an inner city apartment....bang an iron skillet against the wall and tell her to "Shut the FUCK UP!"

first thing I did when we finally bought our own house was to jump up and down in the living room, knowing that there was no one living below me to get annoyed by the noise! It was a joyous feeling!

Let her know we'd be happy to have her for our Diabetes Walk here in October.

Great stuff.

I've only ever lived on the top floor in that sort of situation but it sounds like a real pita to deal with.

Ah! Apartment living!
At the condo where my mom lives, she can hear the guy above her pee! Talk about awkward!!
My favorite times were when his nephews visited and loved rolling balls across the living room floor - you could almost follow the path on the ceiling.
It wasn't his fault entirely though - the owner had removed the carpet against HOA guidelines. :|

People who don't get great feedback from their bodies about where they are tend to walk heavily. This can usually be treated with sensory integration therapy, although sometimes it can't be. It is a common symptom of all disabilities that affect sensory integration, including autism.

I think the sarcasm was lost on you, Jonah. I think it's less actual disease and more heavy shoes on hardwood floors. Laugh a little would you please???

Very funny! Be careful what you wish for---the devil you know and all that. My sister used to pray her neighbors that cooked food with lots of onions and cumin would move out--they did. Now she has a couple who have frequent wild, LOUD sex all night!!

Link,
Jonah has Asperger's Syndrome and his brother is autistic...read up on Pervasive Developmental Disorders including Autism and Asperger's and you'll understand his comment. True, sarcasm probably was lost...it's a symptom of these disorders. Follow the link to his website. Jonah, I enjoy your blog!

Funny stuff. We had squeaky bed screwers living above us years ago. How cliche. I remember the first time ...

It was late, like 2 or 3 in the morning. My eyes popped open and stared at the ceiling.

"Susanne, are you hearing this?"

Susanne: "Oh

My


God."

Although I have never had to deal with someone living above me, I have dealt w/ the beside me issue. There was the girl in the apartment next to me in college, who literally RAN up the stairs, opened the door and SLAMMED it shut EVERY TIME she came home. That was okay though, since she was quite all the other times.
The there was the apartment I lived in when I got my first "real job" after college. I had an hour commute each way & because of this, had to get up at 5 am. My neighbors were 5 college guys who liked to have parties pretty much every night of the week. Solution..... I got a box fan & ran it in my bedroom. Then I couldn't hear the music. I still run a box fan now, even though I have no neighbors at this time.
Sorry about the loud noise Kerri. But maybe she will move out. Or get another boyfriend! :D

Wow Kerri. That is too funny. I didn't stop laughing the whole way through. You really brightened my Moody Monday.

Thank you.

Kerri,

This post had me laughing out loud. Especially this part: "I'm not sure if you have incredibly swollen feet trapped in shoes made of lead, or if perhaps you are stricken with a disease that leaves you clomping around like a yeti, but either way I want to reach through the ceiling and punch you in the face."

I'm sorry that your neighbor is stomping around so much.

When I was in college I would spend the night at a friend's every once in a while. She had an old man who lived up stairs and we could hear him dragging things around the apartment at all hours of the night.

At first we joked that he was moving furniture, then we decided it was dead bodies he was dragging around.

We had to joke about it to get through, but, man, was it annoying.

Hi,

Man-dragging-dead-bodies- around-the-apartment comment was me. I don't think I posted that part.

Penny

Kerri,

I have lived underneath a sasquatch for the better part of 4 years now. Mr. Sasquatch is a 40 year old male who often falls into my door on his way to his apartment. Once in his abode he throws his boots across the room and falls over at least 3 times. When I first moved in I swear he set up bowling pins and threw strikes at 3 in the morning - thankfully a quick call to my landlord solved that issue. When his "girlfriend" in 5" stilletos comes over it's a real treat!

Long live the upper floors.

I found your post to be quite a heavy subject.How you must long for a girl in big fluffy slippers. Great work for a night owl. Owls can be quite loud at night too. Who?

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